Domestic Abuse

* Trigger Warning *

As some of you may know I work in domestic abuse and recently ran 10k to raise money for Birmingham and Solihull Women's Aid, so it felt a good opportunity for me to write about domestic abuse and to raise some awareness.

I feel so passionate about this cause because my personal experience of abuse was just a snapshot of what life could've been. I am surrounded by so much love and support, yet it has had such a negative impact on my life, especially in relation to men and relationships. After a lot of consideration I have decided to share my story with the hope it may help or resonate with others, as my purpose is to support as many women as possible.

It started with a night out and within a week he was insisting we were in a relationship and was making me feel uneasy about going on a weekend away. I was flattered, I thought he just cared and really liked me. What I realised months later was that he was actually exerting power over me from the very beginning. Within two weeks I was pretty much living with him and his mum and being told there wasn't any need to see friends and family. I could talk to them on the phone if I really needed to, although as soon as my phone made a noise, the atmosphere would change and I'd be in trouble again. There was also no need for Social Media so that was promptly deleted. Make-up or fake tan wasn't necessary because I was 'beautiful just as I was'. My job had to be quickly changed as there was no chance I was working with someone who I had previously dated. In my new job I was constantly bombarded by him and if I was one minute late on my break then the accusations would begin. Every day was a battle, being questioned about everything, not being allowed to do anything and not being able to be me. Thinking before I spoke a word, changing my personality and staying quiet or agreeing to avoid further abuse and draining conflict. He was intimidating and aggressive which caused me to be in constant fear of him. I wanted to leave so much, but any inkling of this then he would threaten to harm me and my family which kept me in my miserable existence. I cried on a daily basis and felt so trapped but escaping didn't feel like an option and I didn't have a moment to tell anyone the full extent of what I was going through. The day I mustered the courage to leave, I was locked in his property, he unplugged the house phone, took my mobile and threatened to kill me, which I absolutely believed would happen. It was terrifying. I eventually persuaded him to let me leave, pleading that I just needed some space and would be back. I didn't go back and thankfully never saw him again. He persisted with letters and phone calls with further manipulation which made me question my decision, however I stayed strong and moved away for a few months to gather my thoughts, process what had happened to me and to get my life back on track.

I want to reassure you that abuse is never your fault, you don't 'choose' abusive men and it can be a gradual process of grooming and manipulation. It is really important to be aware of red flags which can help you identify and recognise behaviour that is abusive or has potential to escalate into abuse. It can consist of making 'jokes' about your appearance and ability eventually chipping away at your confidence and self esteem, putting you down, calling you names, making accusations, controlling what you wear, monitoring your phone or social media, stopping you progressing with education or your career, calling out their ex-partners as abusive or 'crazy', being aggressive and violent, making you feel guilty for going out, giving you the silent treatment, talking badly about your friends and family to isolate you, withholding or taking money from you, making threats and unfortunately the list goes on!

Perpetrators can often blame their behaviour on childhood trauma, alcohol, drugs and mental health, these issues can exacerbate abuse but are certainly not the cause. Perpetrators use these factors to remove the blame from themselves and to cause further guilt and manipulation. The only reason for abuse is to exert power and control over you.

Domestic abuse is so complex, it isn't just physical abuse, it is emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse including coercive control. If you have any concerns that you are in an abusive relationship, please confide in someone you trust or a specialist organisation. You are not alone and there is help available.

I know it's scary and I know it may feel embarrassing to disclose but you will be believed, there are options and you deserve to feel safe, happy and loved.

You can find a lot more information and advice on www.womensaid.org.uk or you can contact your local domestic abuse service for help and support.

Birmingham and Solihull Women's Aid

0808 800 0028

Coventry Haven Women's Aid

0800 111 4998 / 02476 444 077

Refuge (Warwickshire)

0800 408 1552

Take care,

Love Helena xxx